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Dancer hopes this is okay for KS
Wed Mar 30, 2005 at 09:41:17 am EST
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Dancer vs St*rbucks: A Killer Shrike Tie-In
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Dancer vs St*rbucks: A Killer Shrike Tie-In


[The Story So Far: That damned clever poster-KS has established that one of the last things his tragically-slaughtered character Killer Shrike did before being, um tragically slaughtered was to plant a St*rbucks across the road from the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar where Sarah (Dancer) Shepherdson works, to drive poor Mr Papadapopolis out of business. Now the new Killer Shrike, Viktor Deredondo, who is part of some complicated countdown to conspiracy thing that’s happening in KS’ fevered brain has taken over as manager of this sinister coffee house. But contrary to any Spark test scores to the contrary, Shep isn’t going to take this lying down.]


[The Scene: The empty Bean and Donut Coffee Bar, where Mr Papadapopolis is packing up his things.]

Mr P: Is no use Sarah. People are not wanting good coffee and pastries and unpronounceable Greek food at sensible prices in nice place while there is big mass-marketed trendy yuppie-shop across road. Bean and Donut is finished.

Sarah: Don’t say that, Mr P. You just enjoy that two week family cruise you amazingly won with that lottery ticket you found lodged behind the cash register and we’ll worry about the future of the shop when you get back all tanned and relaxed, okay?

Mr P: Was amazing coincidence. I still can’t believe such things can happen. Ticket must have been dropped by customer and just got stuck where my pen rolled.

Sarah: Amazing things happen all the time. Didn’t you hear about that African prince who needed to get all his money out of his country before he died of cancer? He e-mailed Reverend Fleetwood, and then sent the Zero Street Mission all his cash.

Mr P: That was pretty amazing.

Sarah, smirking: Even the African prince was pretty amazed. Anyway, you just have a nice time. We’ll close up for a couple of weeks, then start fresh when you’re back, okay?

Mr P: But how you earn wages while I am gone and Bean and Donut is closed?

Sarah: No problem, Mr P. I’ve got a temporary job…


[The Next Scene: Paradopolis Plaza St*rbucks, where Manager Viktor Deredondo orients his newest employee.]

Viktor: So you’ve read the staff manual?

Sarah: Yes. Although I’ve got to say the plot wasn’t that good. And I could figure out whodunit before I got to Section Three: Sanitation and Hygiene.

Viktor: What? Anyway, you’ll have to start with a double shift. All of my staff quit simultaneously in a freak plague of lottery holiday wins, so I’m a bit short. And I need to go meet with somebody on, uh, urgent St*rbucks business.

Sarah: Don’t forget to take the goat to sacrifice.

Viktor: What?

Sarah: I said don’t forget your coat. It’s nice. Don’t worry about me. I’ll take care of things here. Take care of them properly.


[The Scene: Later, when Viktor gets back from meeting his shadowy government employers. I bet Mr Epitome is tied up in all of this somehow, you mark my words.]

Viktor: What… what is going on here? The place is so crowded.

Sarah: Well, it turned out lots of people wanted coffee. Some of them even wanted to pay for it.

Viktor: Some of them? What do you…

Sarah: Well, when the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar across the way was open, lots of folks who were living rough used to call in at the back door and get free java, maybe some baklava. But since that’s shut…

Viktor: We have tramps in here? Bums! Hey, you, you smelly vagrant, get out of my shop! Out! *hurls him through the door*

Sarah: Um, that’s the CEO of an internet software design company.

Viktor: What were you doing letting them in? To sit down!

Sarah: Well, the handbook says we shouldn’t allow people into the areas not designated as customer service spaces. By the way, I wouldn’t go into the rest rooms without knocking.

Viktor: What? Why not.

Sarah: Well, a lot of the folks living on the streets used the shower in the waitress’ flat across the way to clean up a little. Here we just have those little sinks. It’s a bit cramped in there.

Viktor: You idiot! You moron! You prime cretin! What are you doing letting homeless people shower in my rest rooms!

Sarah: *Sniff* I’m s-sorry. Don’t bully me any more. Don’t hit me!

Customer One: hey, that big guy’s being mean to Shep!

Customer Two: yeah, I heard. Just cause he’s big don’t mean he can’t ingest a table.

Arnie J Armbruster, Attorney At Law: From what I just heard, she’s probably got grounds for a harassment suit. I could handle it myself. I’d say she goes for maybe sixty million, settles out of court for forty five.

Viktor: You people aren’t serious! I’m her boss. She’s let smelly freaking tramps into the restaurant.

Bernice Teshmaker, Freelance Reporter: So you’re saying your employers discriminate against the economically disadvantaged? Then penalise their staff for acting with humanity?

Viktor: No. That is not what I am saying…

Sarah: Please sir, don’t get mad. After everybody’s gone I’ll wear that special outfit you said I had to put on.

Viktor: What? I never…

Big Thick Eddie, looming: You been hassling our Shep? Have you?

Arnie: Oh boy, this just keeps getting better and better! Hold on while I text my office to get a process server.

Bernice: Hello? Hello? Is that the editor’s office? Tell Germaine I’ve got a front page for her.

Viktor: You people are all nuts! Nuts, you get it! And you, big guy, you better get out of my face before… [Old lady hits Viktor with her walker] Ow! Right, that does it. I’m calling the cops!

Commissioner Don Graham, putting down his latte: They’re already here. I witnessed the whole thing.

Viktor: Whole thing? What whole thing?

Homeless guy emerging form the bathroom: Sarah, do you know how to reattach broken sinks?


[The Scene: Mr Papadapopolis returns from his vacation to find the Bean and Donut back in business and filled with people]

Mr P: Sarah, what is? What has happened to that St*rbucks shop across the way?

Sarah: I heard it went out of business.

Mr P: There was riot? Is all burned.

Sarah: I heard there was some kind of disturbance, and Big Thick… er I mean an unidentified participant hit the manager with a gas cooker. And after that there was some pretty bad press, and a huge lawsuit, and in the end the chain just pulled out and gave the site to the city in settlement.

Mr P: Is not to be another coffee shop?

Sarah: I hear it might be a charity store. But they won’t be selling coffee.

Mr P: And all these people in our shop. They all have paid for the coffee they are drinking?

Sarah: They all paid what they can afford. Is that okay, Mr P?

Mr P: Is good to be back, Sarah.

[The End. Well except for all of KS’ plotlines and stuff, okay?]





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